


To The Poison Named Loneliness

by vigilantvirgil



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-06 01:23:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21218243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vigilantvirgil/pseuds/vigilantvirgil
Summary: Patton is about to start high school and he doesn't want to start it in the wrong body. Born as Patricia, Patton wants to change, but his strict mother wants nothing to do it. With the help of some family and friends, he'll get his chance to start fresh. High school is a challenge Patton wasn't sure he was ready for but together with his childhood friend, Virgil, and some new friends he meets along the way, he'll overcome anything in his way... even himself.





	1. Cut It Off

Patton knew he couldn’t stay here anymore. As he stared at his reflection, eyes narrowing down his wide chest and hourglass shape in this pink dress, he felt his chest compress in and out uncomfortably. Nothing would ever make this bearable.

“Patricia! What is taking you so long in there?!”

His mother’s voice was shrill and frustrating. She would never understand. She refused to listen when Patton ever told her anything about how he felt. 

“I’m coming, mother.”

Patton heard his mother huff on the other side of his bedroom door. 

“If you make us late for Alice’s wedding, you will regret it.” His mother threatened. She stomped away and down the stairs. 

Patton touched his reflection in the mirror and sighed. Time to go pretend again. Patton shook his head, plastered on the biggest smile he could, and slipped on his shoes as he left his barren bedroom.

x x x

Patton stared out of the window of the car as it bounced down the country road. His cousin Alice was getting married to her fiancee Julia today. Patton was so happy for them. His mother on the other hand…

“I don’t know why Alice dated all those men her life if she was just going to marry another woman.” His mother said to his stepfather. 

The man shrugged. “Must be true love.”

“Ha! That’s hilarious. Julia just wants Alice’s fortune, I’m sure. My sister left her daughter comfortable for life. Everyone has been wanting a piece of that pie.” Patton’s mother laughed.

Patton glared daggers into the back of his mom’s head. Nobody more than you, you stuck up bitch.

“Patricia." 

Patton glanced up to meet eyes with his mother’s in the rearview mirror, not moving his head. 

"Yes?”

“You better not screw this up for me. No mentioning of any of that nonsense you told me last night.” She said, her voice laced with malicious intent. “You’re my daughter. I raised you for the past fourteen years as such. Who knows what will happen if the rest of my family finds out I’m raising a tranny?” Patton clenched his dress in his left fist so hard his knuckles were white. “I will not be disowned because of your selfishness. You will love the body God gave you or so help me…”

“Martha, please let it go.” Patton’s stepfather interjected, cutting the tension.

“No, Chris. She needs to learn this tranny fad going around now is just that: a fad. Nothing more. It won’t make you any cooler to pretend to be a boy.” Martha said, slowing the vehicle and turning into a driveway.

Patton could see a large party set up in the distance. The huge field was full of people. One area full of chairs and the other full of tables and Patton could see one full of food too. His mother pulled the car to a rest next to a few others and she got out quickly, opening the side door next to Patton.

“Did I make myself clear, Patricia?” She asked, staring directly into his eyes. 

“Crystal.” Patton agreed, stepping out of the vehicle past his mom.

“Good.” Martha closed the door and walked towards the party alone. 

Patton took a deep breath. A few months ago, he would’ve cried. His heart would’ve been torn apart but his mother’s words were so common they really didn’t affect him much anymore. 

“I’m sorry, Pat.” Chris came up behind him with his hands shoved in his dress jacket pockets. “I… I disagree with her but there’s little I can do.”

Patton shrugged. “It’s alright.”

Chris leaned over. “There’s a change of clothes for you in the car.” He whispered. 

Patton’s head snapped to him with a big smile. “Really?”

“Yeah bud, I got you something from the store the other day. I think you’ll like it.” Chris winked as he walked away. 

Patton glanced around looking for his mom but she was long gone. He dashed to the back of the car and opened it to see a small bag from Macy’s, the opening tied shut with a blue string. Snatching it up, Patton shut the car door and ran inside the nearby house. He had never much cared for parties and besides, Alice was probably inside and he really wanted to see her.

“Patricia!” a voice caught him mid walk upstairs. Looking down he saw his Uncle Dave, Alice’s stepfather. “Come here and give your uncle a hug!" 

Patton did as he was told and hugged his Uncle. He was a nice man– Patton knew that for sure. Dave had married Alice’s mom shortly before the cancer returned and had been there for his wife all throughout the hospital stays. Patton remembered seeing him crying next to her in the hospital room, holding her hand and wishing he could just take all of her pain. He truly loved her.

"You look so adorable, Patty!” Uncle Dave said as he spun Patton around. Patton giggled. “Alice is upstairs so I assume that’s where you were heading?”

“Yes sir.” Patton said which resulted in Uncle Dave messing his hair up. “Hey-!”

“No need to be so formal, champ. Head on up and see her. She’s missed you these past couple of months.” Uncle Dave said. He winked and headed through the doorway towards the back side of the house.

Patton scurried up the stairs and heard more talking, realizing it was coming from the farthest room. He knocked gently and a voice called out, “Who is it?”

“It's… Patt-” he cleared his throat. He didn’t know who was in this room. “It’s Patricia.”

The door flew open so quickly and before he realized it, he was swept into someone’s arms, seeing nothing but white zooming around him. Once he regained his bearings he was pulled away from the person to see Alice staring right back at him with a huge grin on her face. Her makeup was half completed and her blonde hair was pulled up away from her face.

“Alice!” Patton cried out happily, hugging her again. He felt tears pricking at his eyes but he forced them back.

“Hey, Patton…” Alice whispered into his ear.

The dam broke.

Patton began sobbing into her shoulder and he tried his best not to get anything on the beautiful wedding dress. He heard Alice ask the other two women in the room to give them a little bit of time and they left. Alice pulled Patton away from her, wiping his tears.

“How’s my favorite little cousin?” Alice said, more speaking about favorites than actually expecting an answer. “My most masculine, handsome cousin?” She said sincerely. 

Patton rubbed his eyes and sighed. “She told me no, Alice.”

Alice’s face when from calm to irritated in the blink of an eye. “Of course she did.” Alice stood up and Patton swore he heard some expletives fall from her mouth but she shook her head. “Forget about her because I have a proposition for you, Patton!”

Patton stood up, clutching the bag in his hand. “Yeah?”

“My stepfather’s nephew wasn’t able to make it today due to another emergency. I need you to be the ring bearer!” Alice said with a smile.

Patton clasped his hands together. “Really?” He said surprised. “Um but I’m wearing a dress. Ring bearers don’t wear dresses…”

Alice pulled at the bag in his hand. “Why don’t you see what Chris packed for you?” She winked. 

Patton raised an eyebrow curiously before sitting the bag down and opening it. Inside was a neatly folded dry cleaned tux with a blue flower tagged on its pocket. Patton gasped as he picked it up, his jaw dropped.

“Why don’t you go change?” Alice pointed to a door in the corner.

Patton quickly ran into the bathroom and the dress was off immediately. The tux fit perfectly and the shoes were so good, shiny too. Patton really liked looking at his reflection except…

He pulled at his long blonde hair and sighed. The tux hid his chest and wide hips but what could he do about the hair?

Alice knocked on the door and peeked in, gasping happily. “Aww, Patton! You look so cute!!”

Patton smiled but it was half hearted. “But… my hair…” he trailed off trying to hold it up like it didn’t exist.

Alice giggled before turning to the door. “Maisie?” She called. A girl came into the room, holding a pair of scissors, a brush, and a razor. “This is my little cousin, Patton. He’s needing a makeover.”

“Dude! Going through a change? Let’s do it!” Maisie said, grabbing a chair leaning up against a wall. “Whatcha want?”

Patton took a deep breath ignoring the screaming voice in his head that sounded an awful lot like his mother. “I want short hair. I want to look like a boy.”

x x x


	2. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wedding begins but now that Patton has changed his appearance, what will his mother think?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***VERY IMPORTANT FOR THIS CHAPTER***
> 
> TW: homophobia, transphobia, mental abuse, physical abuse, blood, cursing
> 
> Please take care of yourselves. Thank you.

Patton stood there, hand on his neck and the other on his stomach. His long locks of blonde hair were gone. He now had a typical boyish haircut but a little bit longer on top so he could choose which way to flip his hair. Maisie had been amazingly kind the entire time she cut it. She even shared with Patton that she herself was transgender. She had been born a boy. Patton had never met a person who has transitioned all the way. It gave him… hope.

They had all walked together to a nearby church just across the street from the large house for the ceremony. Patton now waited for everything to begin.

Alice walked over towards Patton and he grabbed the pillow on the nearby table that had the rings on it.

"I'm ready, Alice." Patton said.

Alice smiled. "Yup! You look great. Now, I know your mom is gonna get mad but I very much doubt she'll make a scene at my wedding."

Patton agreed. "Yeah she's-- um very interested in some things you have." He tried to be coy but it didn't work.

"Oh yes that's very clear how much she came around after my mother died." Alice rolled her eyes. "Pay her no mind. I take full responsibility for what happened today." She ran her hand through Patton's hair and he giggled. "You are who you believe you are, sweetheart and I support you. You look happier now than you have for awhile…"

Patton leaned in to Alice. "Thank you."

Alice leaned down and kissed Patton's head. "You're welcome. I love you, Patton."

"I love you too, Alice." Patton said.

A woman across the room called towards Alice and the bride to be looked excited. 

"Things are about to start! See you later!" Alice said excited as she dashed off to take her position. 

Patton gulped and grabbed the nearby pillow with the wedding rings on it. Another wedding host showed him where to stand and gave him a thumbs up. He was so nervous. What would his mother think? Would she stop the whole wedding to yell at him? Patton didn't know. He watched as the bridesmaids and groomsmen on both sides head down the walkway. Patton swelled to see both genders standing on either side of where Julia stood. She looked so beautiful in her white tux with a purple lapel. Even as far away as he was, Patton could see the tears rolling down her face.

Julia loved Alice so much.

Patton watched a girl in a light lavender dress head down the aisle next, spreading violet petals as she did so. She dramatically dumped the last bit at the very front and then Patton took a deep breath. He began walking. 

It was then that he realized Julia was making eye contact with him. 

He decided in that moment to not look anywhere else but her. Julia nodded and smiled gently as he walked. Patton felt so much better. As he arrived at the end, he stood next to the flower girl. Julia also gave him a thumbs up and he returned it. He had no idea if his mother had seen him or not. Hopefully Chris did. Patton wanted to thank Chris for the tux he was wearing.

Breaking the silence, "Here Comes The Bride" began to play from the organ in the corner. Everyone else stood up and Patton leaned around to see Alice. She had a tiara on now with a veil over her face. 

_She looks like an angel…_ Patton thought as she passed by him. 

Uncle Dave gave a small wave to Patton as he walked by with Alice and Patton smiled. It seemed Uncle Dave approved too. Alice must've told him at some point. 

The wedding proceeded as planned and Patton gave the wedding bands at the proper moment. Alice and Julia kissed and everyone erupted in cheers. Patton smiled and was genuinely happy for them until he noticed one person not cheering out of the corner of his eye. 

If looks could kill, Patton would've been dead.

His mother glared daggers at him and by the look of things was restraining herself from saying a word. Her face was beet red and her eyes sharp with anger. 

Patton quickly looked away from her and back to Alice who was in an embrace from Julia. The two held hands as they walked down the aisle to exit the church. Try as he might to not cry, Patton felt the tears begin to fall. The hope built up by Alice and her happy day all fell apart right in front of him. The room was loud, but he couldn't hear anything. It was muffled, as if it was far away. The tears blurred his vision. Why had he let this little ball of happiness so far inside his heart?

_This is going to disappear._ The voice in his mind chided him. _Why would you think this outfit and haircut meant anything at all? You're trapped. You cannot escape her, Patricia. You're hers forever._

Patton shoved his hands onto his ears, dropping the ring bearer's pillow. He dashed towards the back of the church through a set of double doors. That was to be the catalyst for everything. 

_She's after you. She'll find you._ The voice said. _You can't hide from her. She knows you better than anyone else._

Patton ignored the voice, dashing through the empty halls. His new polished black shoes tapped on the vinyl floor, echoing his every movement to anyone giving chase. He ignored the tears falling down his face and quickly unbuttoned the jacket, taking it off in one quick movement. Patton proceeded to do the same thing to the shoes and pants as he ran. He didn't deserve to wear the clothing anymore. Eventually, one of the doors he tried swung open. He quickly shut it behind him and realized as his eyes adjusted to the darkness: a Sunday School classroom. Patton dived under the teacher's desk, wrapping his arms around his knees, trying so hard to calm himself down. 

_You're all alone now, Patricia. No one's coming to help you. Soon your mother will be here and who knows what she'll do with you…_ The voice said, taunting him. _Abandoning the clothes doesn't change what you did! You horrible, disobedient girl!_

Patton covered his ears. "Shut up!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!" he screamed. "Shut up.. please just shut up…"

The door on the other side of the room randomly burst open. Patton covered his mouth to quiet his sobs. 

"Patricia?! I know you're in here! It's the only room unlocked!" Martha bellowed. 

Patton refused to move, to speak. This was going to be the time his mother snapped. 

"Patricia Marie!! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW GODDAMN IT OR SO HELP ME!!" His mother shrieked, the voice piercing the cold silence around them. Suddenly the desk flung away from Patton and he screamed in terror, hiding his face into his knees. "There you are you ungrateful bitch!"

His mother reached down and grabbed Patton by the arm and yanked him up effortlessly, before rearing back and slapping him across the face as hard as she could. Patton wailed in pain and fell back to his knees, sobbing. 

"No, you stand up right now. I'm going to show you exactly why you do not cross your mother." She spat, yanking Patton back up by his bra strap. "Look at you! You are a girl! Breasts, hips, and all!" Each word countered with a slap across Patton's face, each one more painful and loud. "No daughter of mine is going to be a tranny!" She slapped Patton so hard his bra strap snapped and Patton fell to the floor.

He didn't know if he was still awake or not. Everything was so dark and black. The shrill voice of his mother was now a mere muffle. He could taste iron in his mouth and he felt something warm running out of his ears and nose.

This was it. She was going to kill him.

The door slammed open across the room as Martha brought her foot down against Patton's ribs. He sputtered blood and wailed again. In the doorway, Alice rubbed her bruised shoulder from ramming into the locked wooden door. Her eyes darted to Patton collapsed on the floor. "Julia! Over here! Call 911, hurry!" Alice shouted down the hall before she ran over. "Get the fuck away from him!" Alice shouted, running over and shoving Martha away. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, Martha?! This is your child!" She leaned over to Patton, checking his vitals. _What did she do to you, Patton? Oh baby I'm so sorry..._ Alice turned and stood to face Martha, her brows furrowed in anger.

Martha growled but didn't walk back towards her. She leaned against the desk she had shoved away. "That thing is not my daughter. Not anymore." Martha said. She wiped the sweat off her brow and stood up straight. "If she wants to be a boy then she should learn how to fight."

Alice growled. "You bitch."

From the door, Julia walked in, a gun in her right hand and a badge in her left. 

"Martha Taylor, you're under arrest. Turn around." Julia said blankly, waving with the gun. "You have the right to remain silent and refuse to answer questions. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to consult an attorney…"

Alice turned back to Patton as Julia finished telling Martha her miranda rights and cuffing her. She gently tried to pick the small boy up but he whined gently, wrapping his arms around himself. 

"Alice!" She turned to see Maisie at the door. "The ambulance is here!"

"We're coming." Alice responded as she picked Patton up against her. She shhed the crying boy, kissing his forehead. 

As she walked by Martha in the hallway, she stopped for a second and looked at the woman dead in the eye. "If you even remotely look at Patton ever again, you won't be leaving in handcuffs next time."

Martha didn't respond.

Alice rushed down the hallway as fast as she could.

"Alice… I.. I'm ruining your dress…" Patton mumbled. 

"Baby, I don't care about my dress. Don't worry, focus on yourself." Alice assured. "Stay awake okay?"

".... I'm sorry." Patton said.

All Patton could hear as he slipped into darkness was Alice shouting his name.

× × ×


End file.
